Embarrassment Is Not Real & The Opinions of Your Unambitious Peers Rarely Pay Bills
They haven’t even tried, what do they know?
So I ask you…What does success mean to you and how do you measure your milestones?
A conversation about the subjectivity of success, what constitutes a meaningful milestone in pursuit of a dream, and the lost art of minding the business that pays you.
I'm from Atlanta, also known as The Black Mecca, where everybody is bold, brave, and believes they're God's flashiest gift to creation, as well as natural-born small business owners. I use the terms "business" and "owners" loosely when referring to residents in the land of illegitimate LLC's but I digress. Right or wrong, good, bad or indifferent, I love my people so…you know what, As we should ! We gave you MLK, the latest Little Mermaid, Nene Leakes, and hot lemon pepper wings; that's pure inspiration, babes. So if you want to talk about dreams…talk to someone from the 404.
Regardless of the reputation we've garnered for ourselves in recent years, there is no denying the opportunity for Black excellence that exists here. Our rich history of change-makers paved the way for that possibility and set a standard for success worth striving toward for Black people across the globe. My father is a perfect testament to the power of their impact and their influence over the global Black citizen. After growing up in Nigeria, at age 18, he left for Italy to attend college and begin his working career. I always used to say he could've gone anywhere in the world after graduation, could have simply remained in Tuscany, but chose to migrate to Atlanta, GA, of all places…why?
His answer: Martin Luther King Jr.
I'm not even exaggerating; that was his response verbatim, and to him, it was a no-brainer. My father had a dream of his own to build a family and a lucrative business in a community where everything he held dear would be safe to prosper — and that's precisely what he did. So, the older I get, the more I understand the simplicity of his answer. MLK solidified Atlanta's legacy for being synonymous with 'the freedom to succeed even if you're Black, Brown, White, or any hue in between'. Now, is that the truth in reality? I can't answer all of that right now. Every American city has it's disparities, corruption, and attempts to hold on to the ways of old and Atlanta is no different, okay. That is not the central topic for today's discussion.
Today, we're talking about the subjectivity of success through the lens that raised me, how we come to measure meaningful milestones once we define success for ourselves, and the illustrious lost art of minding the business that pays you while embarking on your pursuits.
What is Success?
Before we go any further, let's define it. According to Google, success is formally defined as "the accomplishment of an aim or purpose, the attainment of fame/wealth/social status, and the good or bad outcome of an undertaking." The good OR BAD outcome of an undertaking. Remember that.
Now, according to the suburbs of Atlanta (where I actually grew up), success has a subliminal flare to it. So instead of outright claiming to be God's flashiest gift to creation, you can define your success by mentioning what school your kids go to, or bringing up the beach/lake house you're able to afford because of what school your kids don't go to, or you say nothing and let where you frequent to do the defining.
This is what I assume suburbians call ~class~, so as you can imagine, this is a bunch that's got image curation down to a science, with only a hint of elitism to top it all off, but not too much. After all, we are a community of church-goers and volunteers. Either way, it taught me early on that you can be anything you want to be as long as you believe it and you can dress the part. You know…as long as you can really sell it.
Redefining Success
But what happens when you grow tired of pretending? When the wealth signals are signaling, but you're bored of the Moncler Morse code?
What happens when you wake up one day and realize that your personality isn't even your own, your goals and aspirations originate from a culture you don't identify with anymore, and so many aspects of your life reflect all the ways you've sacrificed your full range of authenticity in order to assimilate?
Do you just pretend you don't notice? I mean you can try but what happens when you out grow the front and want to be real, remember? How do you live beyond this caricature that all your "friends" and family have come to know and love? Do you even try to dismantle the mask?
I say yes. I say yes and it all starts by getting real with yourself about what would make you feel as whole as you wish to look on the surface and then, daring to tell the unfiltered truth.
The truth won't make you very popular at first, especially in environments where wearing a mask is considered the polite thing to do. It might even leave you excluded because you can't seem to "be cool" anymore. Which is really just sheep talk for complacent as well as complicit in the status quo. But make no mistake, I don't care how far back you go or who you think is your twin n em…you do not owe anyone stagnancy just so they can cope with their own comfortability maintaining mediocrity.
If you have a goal that centers around bettering yourself, breaking free from the cycles that have kept you safe and small, or simply evolving within yourself or a field— it's worth pursuing. You are worth the effort of finding out if you can achieve it. Acknowledging an opportunity for change is the first step towards any success and, to me, is a meaningful milestone in and of itself.
Your Milestones Are Your Own To Define
Whether consciously or unconsciously, people can often try to make you feel embarrassed for things they themselves wish they had the courage and freedom to try or attain. Fortunately for you, embarrassment is not real, and believe it or not, you can do whatever you want. Even an ego-shattering setback can prove to be a meaningful milestone in the long run.
I'm not saying you're never going to be or feel embarrassed just by holding it in your mind that embarrassment isn’t real. But I am saying how invested you are in the commentary surrounding how you've chosen to react to those embarrassing moments …is entirely up to you. This is something I'm still learning.
Trying new things and daring to express the aspects of myself I have left largely neglected because of all the times I've chosen assimilation over authenticity is hard enough. Breaking through my layers of cringe to then let myself be seen isn’t made any easier when I allow the critical commentary of my inner voice to go stupid on the mic. I have to tell her to shut it and do the thing anyway. Respectfully, though, because she (me) likes to argue, and that dialogue can descend into RHOA levels of shade and uncalled-for comebacks very quickly if I don't make it a point to interject compassion into the conversation.
A daily practice of sorts.
Thus, learning how to feel the fear of judgment and the intensity of my own cringe without letting it stop me from pushing forward…has become an official milestone for me. A milestone I have the opportunity to celebrate every time I do it. It helps that I have people invested in seeing me achieve the goals that sit on the other side of the scary thing. So, if you can, find a friend, a real one, and share with them how you see success for yourself and what milestone you hope to reach in pursuit of that.
It can be hard discerning who or what is a safe space for discussing your aspirations and the strides you've made toward them without judgment. To which I say, trust yourself - words lie, actions lie, people lie, but energy cannot and does not lie. Feel the energy and move accordingly. No matter what the dream is, if you're not using your intuition to achieve it, you're essentially pushing a wagon down a road that is missing a wheel and expecting to gain traction.
I think part of the reason my dad has been able to accomplish so much and sustain it is his and my mother's emphasis on community. I don't know anybody else with as many friends as they do, and they're all over the world. It doesn't matter; he stays on the phone just checking in and sharing the journey with them, no matter which stage of it he met them in. i.e., a real one.
Real friends, real supporters champion change. They evolve alongside you through each phase and stage of the transformation born out of reaching for something higher than yourself. Losers that you have unholy allegiances to (thank you, Kat Williams, for the quote of the century) shame you for changing and daring to want more for yourself than what they've chosen to accept for themselves.
Mind you, anyone can be a loser. It's a state of mind, not a social standing. Sometimes, the loser you need to tell to go somewhere is your inner-defeatist. Especially when you see someone doing something you aspire to do, and they do it well. Your inner loser can use that as fuel to deter you from even trying. I'm telling you, this is one loser you never want to see win. Let the way other people do what they do inspire you to discover how you can do it, too, in your own way.
The Lost Art of Minding The Business That Pays You
Never forget that envy and jealousy have many different faces, some of which are quite friendly, but all have mouths that love to speak on things they often know nothing about. Atlanta may be known as the hip-hop capital of the world, but it is our suburbs that could undoubtedly be in the running for the Yap Capital of the world.
Being financially secure leaves a lot of time to chit-chat, I suppose. It has little to do with malicious intent, I think, and everything to do with boredom. I, too, have been bored before. I, too, have yapped about all sorts of shit I knew nothing about.
I mean, when someone begins to do unique and interesting things, it tends to spark conversation. Even if that unique and exciting thing is just getting a life, and if you are someone who doesn't have one, that's pretty exciting stuff. Yap material, if you will.
So that's the thing about the lost art of minding your business: it requires you to have some. But with the all-access pass that the internet provides us into the lives of strangers and semi-strangers (people you met in the bathroom while out, people you had a singular class with, people you matched with on hinge, etc.) — it makes it very easy to invest in lives other than our own.
It also opens up the door for envy, which is the energetic signature of losers in my book, and I'm going to explain why.
Our time on earth is limited and precious. You can do anything (for the most part — just walk with me here) and be anyone. You can use your mind to be imaginative and creative in anyway you like and until you act on those thoughts in some way, there's really nothing anyone can do about how you use your mind power.
Purple penguin named Hal who wears a top hat, has a monocle, rides around on a unicycle, and can fly like the regular birds but only when he's farting.
I just did that with the power of my mind, and it was free. See? Look at all the possibilities. So, to spend your time and your mind power on envious or jealous thoughts/comments, regardless of who they are directed towards, is pointless. A waste of precious time. Basically, it's the same as leaving your car running in the driveway with nowhere to go, just emitting hot gas that is bad for the environment.
I'm not about to sit here and act like I no longer talk about people on the occasion. I'm a quick-witted southern Black woman with more aunties than I know what to do with and a diagnosed mood disorder. I have my moments. Sometimes, I slip and fall into a shady comment…
It doesn't change the fact that envy and jealousy, through the eyes of Universal Law, are some of the most useless ways to spend your time and energy.
It's okay to admire and be inspired, but when admiration spoils into envy or jealousy— you've got a problem. To be jealous and envious is to be consumed by the deluded belief that what one person has should somehow be yours instead. This is indeed delusion because it makes claims based on entitlement without knowing what you're asking for.
Oftentimes, we want people's successes and blessings without fully understanding the burdens that made them built to be blessed in the first place.
To date, one of my most meaningful milestones was discovering the fundamental truth that everything is energy with a vibrational frequency to match.
We all feel envy and jealousy at some point. We're human yall. But in their most unbalanced manifestations, as energies, they are incredibly low vibrational—even if they still retain a very attractive quality in terms of frequency. Meaning that it is more than possible to attract/magnetize a great deal into your world through these energies, but the results may not be as glamorous or as pleasant as one might imagine. You may have what you wanted in the moment, but do you have peace? serenity? a calm confidence in your creation? These are higher vibrational energies that, like musical notes, register at the frequency of Love—the fullness of fulfillment. Jealousy, envy, obsession that blinds and consumes, are lower vibrational energies that register more at the frequency of Fear—the chaos born of lack. Your energy is a key part of the recipe when seeking to create a project, a performance, or a life. It matters which place you come from in the pursuit of a goal.
Because remember…success is the good or bad outcome of an undertaking.
I've learned firsthand, on both sides of the equation, that what you put out is what you will get back. This is how Life taught me to be careful what I wish for, as well as why it's so important to be anchored in gratitude for what I have while I have it, no matter what I have. That— my friends, is the lost art of minding the business that pays you.
We never truly know what it took for someone to attain what they have until we find ourselves on a similar journey, in a similar frequency.
It's also just an all-around rule of thumb that it pays to not be a messy boots irl and if you are going to be one, you have to own it. People are much more inclined to support you when you do.
It's just easier to relate to what's real. So, if you have an opinion about what someone else is doing to evolve towards an accomplishment, try to at least make it a compassionate one. Let it be constructive; let it be driven by pure curiosity.
If it's critical for criticism's sake, keep it. Or get a journal. I don't know, I'm not the boss of you, but there are more productive forms of yapping, I promise.
In the end, the most valuable opinion is your own.
Success is directly informed by what you value. When your values change, so should the way you measure your progress and achievements. But as we learned in the beginning, with success, it doesn't actually matter whether the outcome is good or bad. You just have to try in order to be considered successful in your pursuits. So, try not to compare your outcomes and output with the ones of your peers. Contrary to conditioned belief, we are not all operating under the same blueprint. Who cares how long it took them? What does it matter if your values differ from somebody else's? Or if your interests seem strange? We have enough of the same. Be weird, take your time, let yourself change, and know you can associate without forcing yourself to assimilate.
So, if you're unmarried with only a GED and a dream, working at Chuck E. Cheese but for the first time in your life, you're not dependent on any kind of substance (vaped or otherwise) in order to get through the day and that's what makes you feel like a success…then you're a success baby!! You're doing laps around the majority of us tbh.
If you're dating the partner of your dreams, and the overwhelmingly magnificent truth of all that they are and all that the two of you get to be with one another makes you feel like a success every time you look into their eyes…then first of all, aw <3. Second, YES, you're also a success!! Get the picture?
It's not up to your boss, your parents, your critics, what he said, or what she said. It's what you say and how you stand on it because your word is Law in the context of your own life. You're free to decide how to define these things based on what they mean to you, and they still be VALID. It's your journey. It's your process.
So if someone tries to argue about what's relative to your life, put your big Atlanta girl panties on, be bold, and be brave when you tell them you're not looking to form any more unholy alliances. It's loser behavior to argue about a vision you can't see and to argue the details of a process you haven't been privy to.
It seems to me as long as you're perceived as victorious, you can expect attempts to undermine and take away what's been won. Not everyone knows how to act around things that shine, but ultimately, you can't take what you can't reach. Here is where self-love becomes an iron-tight insurance policy because when all your most prized possessions exist external to you… there's always a chance they can be up for grabs.
These days, my perspective feels like my most prized possession. It's as much inherited as it was hard won, and with it, I now understand that my milestones are my own to define. My milestones are my own to interpret the meaning around. I don't need formal institutions to inform me that I've accomplished something worth acknowledging and celebrating. Especially not when those institutions have a history of revising guidelines and moving the goalposts at their frequent convenience.
Every time I wake up and remember to make my bed, I feel successful. Whenever I push through moments of panic and still complete a task, I feel successful. Every time I let myself fail and don't let it define my inherent worthiness of the success I desire…I feel successful. Every time I can breathe through my nose without obstruction, I feel successful. and that's not even a rainbow sunshine statement. If you know me, you know I am the most chronically runny-nosed person.
I would say having a community that supports my vision and ambitions is another means through which I feel like a success. So, I asked my friends to weigh in on this topic and they did not disappoint. To quote my beautiful angel-faced of a friend, Lauren:
“It’s the small, seemingly insignificant accomplishments that really matter most. Big achievements are usually far and few between, or even years in the making. So, I think being successful every day boils down to happiness and appreciation for all the wins we take for granted. — Lauren Arapoff, DVM, Poet, Astronomer, Libra”
Could’nt have said it better myself.
Mistakes are inevitable, failure is imminent, and you’re going to be embarrassed at some point or another. That’s the truth. But you want to know what else is the truth? The miracle of creation isn't a guarantee, and yet here I am, all created and shit. Why? Because my daddy decided to sail the seven seas with nothing but a dream of what could be, a hair pick for a now long gone afro, and the impulse to just try. Do you know how much that rocks? I could've been anything or nothing at all, but I still came out as a Nubian princess with a family that would do anything to see me shine, beautiful friends that dream their own dreams alongside me, a deep reverence for the city I grew up in, keen intelligence, sharp intuition, legs for days, a heart of gold, and a God that loves me enough to work hand and hand with me in everything I set out to do. Literally, what more could I want? Not to mention being the answer to the prayers of my ancestors. Sounds pretty damn successful if you ask me. But curiosity is my calling, so let me ask you:
What does success mean to you and how do you measure your milestones?
